I do benefits for all religions - I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.
My father told me all about the birds and the bees, the liar - I went steady with a woodpecker till I was twenty-one.
People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy.
She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn't help wondering from what direction.
You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything till noon. That's when it's time for my nap.
I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom.
The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he's really pissed off.
A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.
Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.
When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano.
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.
I have a wonderful make-up crew. They're the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty.
If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf.
There'll always be an England, even if it's in Hollywood.
When they asked Jack Benny to do something for the Actor's Orphanage - he shot both his parents and moved in.
I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform almost unbearable tears into something bearable, even hopeful.
If I have to lay an egg for my country, I'll do it.
If you haven't any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble.